Wedding Wednesday is a feature on my blog documenting our wedding planning process – thoughts, reflections, ideas, milestones. Follow along as we plan a wedding in our home city of Cincinnati while we live in Denver.
Living together before marriage seems to be something people feel very strongly about, one way or the other. I’ve felt strongly both ways and, ultimately, ended up with a compromise.
In college, I felt set in stone that I would live together with a boyfriend/fiance before we got married – how else would you know what it was like post-marriage?! If you could live harmoniously, if his living habits would mesh with mine, if we were on the same page with keeping things clean? Sure, you can see how someone lives when you spend a lot of time with them and see their own apartment but it’s not the same as LIVING with someone.
I have a distinct memory of an early date with Alex at Maccaroni Grill and we had a frank discussion about living together before marriage. Not that we were even thinking of our own marriage at that point but we were going to a wedding and I knew the bride and groom hadn’t lived together. At the time, I thought that was absurd and wanted to talk about it. I was pro-living together while Alex was firmly against it.
Fast forward 3-4 years and we’re out of college. I’m living on my own in Denver (Alex is in Cincinnati, Milwaukee or Florida – depending on the year). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen friends live together with boyfriends they thought they would be with forever and then watched the relationship end. I’ve thought a lot about what I want for my life and my relationship and my feelings shift from WE-HAVE-TO-LIVE-TOGETHER-BEFORE-MARRIAGE! to not really being a fan of the idea.
Pos-college, I’d decided that I absolutely did NOT want to live together before marriage – have you seen the divorce rate of couples who co-habitate before marriage?! But more than that, I loved the idea that after we got married, we’d start our new life together in a new space to both of us. It would outwardly symbolize the ending of our lives separately and the joining of our lives together. Old fashioned but romantic to me.
During our many conversations about how we would finally end our long distance relationship (pre-engagement), I made it clear to Alex that if he moved to Denver or I moved to Milwaukee or Florida, I expected we wouldn’t live together – I could find roommates! He could have his own apartment and settle into life in Denver! I didn’t want to live together if we were just dating.
Last July, after we got engaged, the game changed and so did my opinion of our expected living situation. We were facing the reality of ending the LDR and (finally!) getting in the same city. With Alex quitting a job, the both of us paying to move him across the country and finding a new job, the expenses were adding up and it didn’t make sense to tack on the cost of a second apartment as well. We mutually decided that living together in my apartment was the best choice for us.
I felt very comfortable with Alex moving in – we were engaged and were committed to making our relationship and living arrangements work. Being engaged meant that if it got hard, we’d have to work through the hard parts – neither of us could bail. It made financial and emotional sense to both of us. So in September, after moving from Florida, Alex moved in with me.
It’s funny to think about how set I was on my views before we were engaged – it was either black or white for me. But now that we’ve lived together post-engagement, pre-marriage, I have to say that I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m glad we didn’t wait until after we are married because in these past 9 months, we’ve worked through a lot of the ‘growing pains’ of living together.
Both of us had lived on our own (no roommates) for the past 2 years so having another person in our space, all of the time, and adjusting to his mode of operations took some time. But I’m so glad we’ve worked out those kinks pre-marriage so that after the BIG DAY (3 months!!!), we are already past bickering about the stupid stuff and are into the enjoying living together part.
By no means am I knocking anyone who does live with their partner pre-engagement/marriage – I know many couples who live together happily and harmoniously without the ring and that is awesome! Each person and relationship needs to examine what their views are and what works for them!
Filed under: Wedding | Tagged: engagement, living together, wedding, wedding planning | 8 Comments »




























